


Dying Petals, Lost Love

by 7point13



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bring tissues, Canon Universe, Chan needs a hug, Character Death, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Flowers, Friendship, Hanahaki Disease, I Don't Even Know, I am evil i'm sorry, I'm Sorry, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Language of Flowers, M/M, Minor Character Death, Minor Original Character(s), Not Beta Read, OT9 - Freeform, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Romance, Sad, Sad Ending, Slight ghost au, Symbolism, Unrequited Love, aussie line, chan is whipped, hanahaki, sappy love, this won't go well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-05-15 09:19:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14787767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/7point13/pseuds/7point13
Summary: He doesn't why exactly. He does know that Felix has always felt like home. Maybe it was because they were both Australian? It's not until the first sickly sweet petals claw their way up his throat that he realises that it's always been more than friendship, at least for him. As the flowers wrap around his heart, squeezing out all the love, and hope that he has, Chan makes a choice.What's his life to Felix's happiness anyway?





	1. Anemones

**Author's Note:**

> My first on-going story!!! Hope you enjoy <3 A little bit of angst for everyone.  
> Also just so yall know! These are proofread by only me and Grammarly. They're not beta-read either so please tell me if you see any mistakes!! Don't judge me terrible writing too hard :)

Piercing artificial light beamed down onto Chan's huddled figure sobbing into his knees, reflecting off his dark brown hair. The cold seeped from the polished floor through faded jeans. His monochrome sweater clinging to his trembling arms. Lungs gulped in copious amounts of air but the ache in his chest just got worse. He knew what this was. Why his heart felt like someone had ripped it, still beating, from his chest and stomped on it in high heels. He knew what the vines tightening around his lungs meant, and who they were for. Wiping his tears away he stood, flushing the white petals down the drain, before walking to the sink. Splashing some cold water against his puffy eyes, the Australian took a few shaky breaths.

Staring into the mirror all he saw was a slideshow of his downfall. "Chan? Hyung? You okay mate?" he heard Felix's deep voice call through the door. His breath hitched in his throat. He could feel the delicate petals gathering in his lungs. "Yeah, fine. I'll be out in a sec", Chan managed to choke out. He carefully listened to the fading footsteps. Once he was sure Felix could no longer hear him, Chan rushed back to the toilet, just in time for it to catch most of the petals tumbling from his lips, so alike the tears falling down his face.

Of course, out of all the people in the world he had to fall for one Lee Felix. Chan couldn't get him out of his head. His deep as hell voice. The freckles dotting his cheeks like stars. How he was nice, caring, and a literal meme all at the same time. More and more now the younger Australian seemed to envelop his every thought. He couldn't quite pick out where it started. Somewhere between the late-night conversations and inside jokes, only Australians would understand, Chan had fallen for the younger boy. Fallen flat on his face.

Then Felix got eliminated. His entire world had been shattered. He had already lost Minho and now Felix too? When he was gone Chan pushed himself to the limit. Night after night with next to little sleep. Extra hours of practice and composition. Paying extra attention in case one of his members looked like they could use some help. He wasn't going to lose anyone else. Chan tried to blank out his own feelings, too forget about how JYP had taken Felix away and left a gaping hole in his heart. He drowned himself in his music until it seemed impossible to pull him out. And then he was back. Felix and his smile. He laughed. The late-night conversations and inside jokes. They all came flooding back. He had gone from half empty to overflowing in a matter of days. Everything seemed to be fine.

But happy ever afters don't exist. When Felix first started distancing himself from Chan, the older tried to brush it off. There was bound to be a reasonable explanation for this. It was when his started getting clingy around Changbin that the warning bells went off. He still regretted what he did that day. Chan was stressed, tired, over-worked, and, if he thinks about it now, jealous. Truth be told he doesn't remember much. He remembers seeing the two together. Changbin and Felix (or Changlix as the fans had named them) snuggled up on the couch, far to close to be platonic. Chan can remember the anger, sadness, and stress boiling over. He snapped. He can remember dragging Felix from the couch and into his room, yelling at him in rushed English, the shock on the youngers faces twisting into anger. He can hear the words echoing through his brain. Chan knows that they shouldn't have stung as much as they did but they were enough to drive the final wedge between them.

"Why do you care? You're not my boyfriend".

After that, it's all a blur. He knows that he apologised. That Felix simply nodded in return. Chan could remember the burning of stares on his slightly sunken figure as he hid in his empty room. Felix wasn't wrong. Chan never had a chance, he knew that, but it didn't dull the ache in his chest.

The Aussie line was just never as close after that. Sure they'd occasionally chat when they had no other option but beyond casual small talk... Nothing. Chan missed the times when they were closer. He misses making the younger laugh, the times were Felix would curl up next to the older boy, searching for something to make him feel less homesick. That was all gone now. Replace with onesided longing looks, fake smiles, and thick silences.

And now this. This all confirmed that what Chan felt was more than just friendship.

* * *

_Chan sat on the couch, staring intensely at the TV, avoiding his responsibilities by focusing his attention on whatever was on basic cable. Most of the others were gathered here too. Jisung, Seungmin, and Jeongin had joined him in TV procrastination while Minho, Woojin, and Hyunjin played a vicious game of Uno. Felix and Changbin were the only ones missing, they had gone to get ice cream or something like that. Just as the movie was getting to the good bit, the door slid open. Figuring it was just Changlix coming back with food his attention stayed transfixed on the screen. "Ah, guys? We'd like to make an announcement", Changbin spoke. "Binne hyung and I", Felix starts, "We're dating"._

_Around him, he heard some laughs, congratulations, and Jisung's shouts of "Finally". Boyfriend. Felix was dating Changbin. Changbin was dating Felix. This was good. They were happy. So why did it feel so bad?_

_"Congrats you two", Chan smiled, trying to ignore how hard it was getting to breathe. "Thanks, hyung", Felix smiled back, eyes gleaming. Something was stuck in Chan's throat, whether it was his tears or not was debatable. Why would he be crying anyway?_

_"Hey, we should celebrate", Seungmin smile, "there's some ice cream in the fridge, I think"._

_As cheers of agreement rang out around the room Chan tried to sneak away, the irritating feeling not going away. "Hey, Chan hyung, you coming?" the Australian heard Hyunjin call out."Just going to the bathroom. You guys go ahead", he smiled._ _Quickly, Chan walked away before anyone could ask if he was okay. That was not a question he needed to be answered right now._

 _Locking the bathroom door behind him, he fell to his knees next to the toilet as something crawled up his throat. Chan watched, wide-eyed, as dozens of pure white petals fell from his lips. Everything hurt so bad. He could feel the petals in his throat, sickly sweet and suffocating._ _When it was over he sobbed, half from relief and half from anguish. He knew what this was. Hanahaki wasn't uncommon. When it first appeared the world was shocked. Countless died from botched surgery or lack of treatment. But now the surgery was simple and extremely safe, with very few side effects. However, Chan also knew what those side effects were. Remove the flowers and you lose all feelings for the person you were in love with, along with all ability to love anyone else. He couldn't imagine a world without his love for Felix. He hated this feeling. The hurt, pain, and petals. But Chan adored the butterflies, the warm feeling he got when Felix smiled at him, and the love. Lossing the feelings he had for the younger was completely out of the question. He would rather die than get the surgery._ _He couldn't tell anyone either. JYP could be ruthless. Any mistake could cost him. The company could force him to get the surgery, tell them who it is, or kick him out entirely. Chan had to keep this quiet. He wasn't going to let Stray Kids down again. This was his decision. Besides, Felix was all that mattered._

* * *

"Hyung? You sure you're okay?", Jeongin called through the door, snapping Chan out of his retrieve. "Yeah, just perfect", he said, flushing all evidence of his love before heading to the sink. Once his hands no longer smelt like pollen and honey he opened the door. Sitting on the hallway floor was a very worried Jeongin. "Hyung", he jumped up hurriedly,"are you okay? You were in there for a while", the younger frowned. "I'm fine Jeonginnie", Chan cooed, ruffling the youngers hair. "Let's go join the others", he said tugging the boy towards the kitchen.

"There you guys are", Jisung yelled when the joined the others. "You're just in time to watch me kick Minho's butt in Uno", Hyunjin smirked. "That's Minho hyung to you, brat", the older dance corrected, smacking Hyunjin lightly. As the familiar laughter rang through the dorm, Chan calmed down a bit. No matter what happened, at least he had the chance to meet these amazing people he called his friends.

"You okay?", he heard a deep voice ask from beside him. Chan nodded smiling at Felix, trying to hide the pain in his eyes. "Yeah, I'm all good", Felix nodded, gaze trained on Changbin's smiling face. "Lix, seriously congratulations. You two make a great couple", Chan said. As much as it killed him to utter those words Felix and Changbin were his friends. He'll always support their decisions. "Thanks", Felix smiled lovingly at the boy across the room. "I know it's probably too soon to say but... I really think I love him hyung. Like Love love him", Felix blushed. Chan could feel the stinging in his throat. "Well then I wish you guys the best", he smiled, before coughing into the palm of his hand. Feeling the delicate petals brush his palm Chan quickly hid them from any prying eyes. He would be damned if he was the one to ruin tonight. "Alright, guys. As much as I want to stay here and celebrate we still have practice tomorrow. Everyone get some sleep yeah?" Chan spoke up. "Chan's right", Woojin agreed. "Come on guys", the kind boy basically dragged them out of the crowded kitchen.

"Chan hyung?" Seungmin asked. He had noticed Chan stay behind as the others filed out of the kitchen. "Are you okay?", the younger asked. "Yeah", Chan sighed. "Yeah, I'm fine Seungminnie. Get some sleep", the younger boy smile softly, leaving Chan to his thoughts. Once the smiling red-head was out of site Chan pulled his phone, and a small bundle of petals, from his pocket. They felt like silk against his fingertips. Soft, white, and a beautifully cruel symbol of his love. Opening his phone, Chan searched for any flower baring resemblance to these. As his friends slept soundly, the lovestruck boy finally found what he was looking for.

 _Anemone:_  
_Fading hopes and a feeling of having been forsaken._  
_In some cultures, Anemones are seen as a sign of death or disease._


	2. Adonis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You don't always need to be strong, hyung. Just let us help you, please"
> 
> "You can't. You just don't get it okay. It's my fault. I wasn't good enough. I'm never good enough. Not now, not ever, not for him"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter!!!! Not that much longer but I hope it's okay. Thanks for the nice comments too <3 It means so much to me that people actually like what I'm writing.

Head between his knees, the rough denim scratching his skin, Chan found himself in the bathroom once again. The familiar tiled floor was cool against his flushed skin. Taking a few deep breaths, the boy found it frightening how this had become so routine. Throwing up petals, and cowering in bathrooms had become normal for him over the past few weeks and it was haunting. He missed his members. All the fun the nine of them had. But he didn't have a choice. The Hanahaki were hard enough to hide as it was.

Flushing familiar anemone petals away, Chan washed his hands before walking out into the dorm. "Hey, hyung? You ready for dance practice?" Jisung inquired, linking arms with the older. "Yup", Chan smiled. Jisung had dressed in his normal dance clothes, simple jeans, t-shirt, with a jacket over top. It reminded Chan of the old days before everything went wrong. "Is everyone else ready?" the leader asked. "Yeah, they went ahead. Minho hyung and I waited for you though", Jisung said, smiling brightly. "How kind of you Jisungie", Chan laughed. Walking into the kitchen he caught Minho's eye. Smiling, the dancer hopped up from his seat, and over towards the other two boys. "You guys ready to go", Jisung nodded enthusiastically, Chan smiling at his energy. "Come on then. They can't start without their leader".

* * *

"Okay, let's go through the Mirror choreography one more time and then we'll head back home", Chan smiled at the tired group of boys around him. Stray Kids had been practising for hours now. The mirrors had fogged over hours ago and the whole room smelled of sweat. Despite this Chan could feel the energy coursing through each of them. It was a love for music and a passion for it that brought them together in the first place. This same passion filled the room, so contagious that Chan almost didn't want to leave. However, it was almost ten past eleven and Chan didn't know how much longer he could ignore the onslaught of petals rising from his lungs. Sure, over the weeks he had grown accustomed to hiding the familiar white petals from the rest of the group but he had been finding practices particularly hard.

The look in Felix's eyes, a mix of fierce determination, and a slight spark of joy. It seemed to Chan that he always had that look when it came to music. He had always admired that about the younger. But worse then that was the short breaks they took. When Felix would sitting between his boyfriend's legs. The older would wrap his arms around Felix's tired frame, placing soft kisses on his sweaty forehead. It was all very domestic. Which often lead to Chan spending his break chocking on a bombardment of pale petals.

As the familiar music began to play Chan tried to focus on the dance. He felt his body move to the beat he now had memorised. His concentration began to slip as he caught sight of Felix in the foggy mirror. The boy was dressed in plain clothes, simple t-shirt with some jeans, but to Chan, he still looked perfect. The way he lost himself in the music was hypnotizing.

Unfocused, Chan barely noticed the stinging in his lungs as his feet tangled in on themselves. The boy had no time to react before the cold floor rushed up to greet him. It was then that he notices the petals clawing their way up his throat. Clasping a hand over his mouth he tried to stop the delicate curses from making themselves obvious to anyone else. Tears welled up in his eyes as the burning in his lungs became unbearable. Squeezing his eyes shut, Chan attempted to breathe through the petal crowding his lungs.

As the fire in his lungs faded enough, Chan gasped for air. It was as if he had been seven feet underwater. When he finally regained his senses he felt the stares of his members burning into his back. "Hyung?" Minho hesitantly ask. "What the hell was that Chan?", Changbin demanded. "It's nothing. Let's just get back to practice", Chan said, rising to his feet, voice hoarse. "Bullshit hyung", Hyunjin yelled. Seungmin placed a hand on his arm, calming the boy slightly. "Look hyung, I'm sorry for yelling but you've been acting weird for weeks now. Don't think we didn't notice", Chan looked down in shame as Hyunjin continued, "We're a team hyung. We tell each other when something is wrong or when we need help. You don't always need to be strong, hyung. Just let us help you, please".

"I-", Chan wanted to tell them so bad. He didn't want to keep secrets from his group but he couldn't risk it. He had worked so hard to get where he is. Chan wasn't going to let anyone down. Not again. But his mouth had a mind of its own. "You can't help me. Not with this", he blurted out. Silence suffocated the room as his members just looked at Chan in shock. "Hyung? What do you mean of course we can help", Jeongin said in an almost whisper. "You can't. You just don't get it okay", Chan yelled raising his voice. With every word, he felt the emotions building inside of him. Tears in his eyes, Chan finally let all the pain, loss, and stress overwhelmed him. After so long he finally broke down, and the rest of Stray Kids could do nothing but watch as he crumbled before them., "It's my fault. I wasn't good enough. I'm never good enough. Not now, not ever, not for him".

As soon as he heard the word Chan's eyes widen. He hadn't meant to say that. Any of that. Hiding his face in his hands, Chan tried to take a deep breath but it felt like he was suffocating. He couldn't breathe and, for the first time, it wasn't because of petals His eyes stung with tears. "Chan? What do you mean? Who's him", Woojin asked, hesitantly walking towards the leader. Chan backed away, arms now wrapped protectively around his body. He almost curled in on himself like a child hiding from the world. With tear tracks staining his cheeks and fear in his eyes, he looked so lost. Glancing around from anything to get him away from here. Chan's eye landed on the door, still slightly ajar from whoever came in last. "I-I have to go", he stammered, rushed towards the door. Before he could reach it, a strong hand gripped his arm.

"Chan, look at me", a deep voice spoke in soft English. Chan tensed. Turning around, he locked eyes with the one person he was trying his best to avoid right now. "We can help you okay? We will do whatever it takes because we all love you", Felix said, almost pleading the older boy to stay. Chan felt the word echo through his head. "Love? _Love?_ He doesn't love me. The petals growing in my lungs are proof of that", he thought. As if on cue he felt the familiar sting of the petals rising in his throat. Felix's grip urged them on. The feel of his warm hand against Chan's skin propelling them higher and higher. Closing his eyes tight, Chan tried to ignore the burning feeling that was building with each passing second. Tried to stop his thoughts from racing as he weighs his options. But he already knew what he had to do. A single tear slipped from under his lashes as he spoke. "No". Ripping his arm from Felix's tight grip, Chan race through the door, slamming it behind him. The frantic boy ran through the corridor with no more tears left to cry. He didn't stop running until he was as far away as possible.

* * *

Eventually, it was too much. He had been running for so long. His lungs burning and his muscle aching, Chan stumbled, falling to his knees in the one place he could still feel safe. Coughing violently Chan watched as the world spun around him. Falling from his lips weren't the familiar anemones. This time he recognized the long yellow petals. Adonis. He'd search for the meaning later but for now, he just wanted to rest.

Lungs clear of the infecting flora, Chan took a deep breath, examining his surroundings. The familiar green plants formed a roof over his head. Soft grass covered the ground, and the pastel flowers dotting it's blanket were implanted in his memory. The warm sunlight flittered through the leaves, shimmering in the air like magic. Chan and Bambam had found the grove back before Got7 debut. Here was where they shared their secrets, worries, and hopes. Until Bambam got to busy. Chan never held it against him. Bambam was chasing his dream. Still, this place had almost become haunted to Chan. He hadn't stepped foot here in years. It was almost fitting.

"I thought you might be here", Chan's gaze shot up. Standing amongst the leaves was a familiar, lanky, figure. "Hey Bam", Chan said, skipping the honorifics and not even bothering to hide the petals. He was just too tired. "So, this is what you've been hiding", the Thai boy walked over to Chan's huddled figure, wrapping his arms around his friend. Like a balloon deflating, Chan collapsed into the embrace. "It's okay. You're okay", Bambam whispered, rubbing circles on Chan's back. "Please don't tell anyone", the Australian whispered. Bambam nodded, "Of course not", he whispered.

A comfortable silence fell over the grove. The two friends just sat still amongst the memories and petals. "There Adonis petals?", Bambam asked. Chan nodded, opening his eyes, "Do you know what they mean?" Bambam nodded, "patience, humility, and sad memories", worried laced his voice. "I'm okay, Bam", Chan sighed, "I'm okay..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so, that was that. I'm really glad I got to add Bambam into this and he's probably going to be in the later chapters. Hope you liked it and have a great day/night!!


	3. Daffodils

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I am always going to be there for you Chan. Too me, you are one of the most important people in the world. I would put everything on hold just for you. But you need to tell me what's going on. You can trust me. I love you, you're like the _brother_ I never had."
> 
> And that's all he'd ever be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm trying out a new writing structure! I don't know how well it will work. Also, I changed a few things in chapter 1 just for plot reasons. I think/hope it will help. If you guys have any feedback please feel free to comment!! All input is appreciated.  
> One other thing. Yall have been so supportive of this story and it's two lonely chapters. It's an amazing feeling to read through the comments you humans leave on here and think "These people really actually like what I'm doing". It's extremely motivating. Because of that, I am going to try to update more often. I am only half-way through my second year of high school, so I can't exactly say if I'll achieve that but hope yall can be patient with me like you have been so far, as I try to make sure every chapter I post is one yall enjoy.  
> (Also I apologize of using the word "yall" so much)  
> Thanks, humans! <3

It was dark by the time Chan began to wander home. He had spent the rest of the day with Bambam. The older had fused over the Australian for hours before dragging him out for coffee. Before Chan could protest they had arrived at Bambam's favourite cafe. The cozy building seemed to be a hotspot for uni students seeking a place to study or their next caffeine fix. It wasn’t anything special. Wooden floors and walls were paired with plush seats and tables. Not very pretty they made good coffee so Chan didn’t complain. It was over two cups of sugar-filled caffeine that Bambam shared his story.

The older told him of the beautiful, pink, aster petals that he had hidden from the world. Countless close calls and deathly bought of petals that he had kept secret from everyone. Bambam's hands clenched around his up particularly hard as he recounted the time his groupmates had cornered him after an extremely bad day. How they had forced upon him the light pink scar the lined his chest.

"I would have died for him, but they didn't care. They needed me alive", Bambam spoke, eyes clouded.

Chan didn't ask who had caused those flowers and, in return, Bambam didn't pry about his. Soon they were back to there usual conversation. Gossiping about their new work, reminiscing about the old days, laughing at stupid inside jokes. It was nice to finally put all of the stress behind him. Here he didn't have to worry about idol life, his harmful secret, or any of the expectations he had to uphold. But all perfect moments must end.

Sure enough, eventually Bambam got called away to a group practice that he couldn't avoid and Chan was left with a cold coffee and a building feeling of loneliness. Unable to stand being left to his thoughts, Chan had quickly paid and raced out the door. Hoping to get back to the dorm before people got too worried. By then the sun had tucked it's self away and the street was littered with stray beams of light. Towering lamp posts were plotted around the city for peoples safety. Right now, however, Chan felt anything but safe.

How would his members react when he got back? What had happened after he left? Had they told Bambam what had happened?

As his thoughts tried to drown his mind Chan pulled his thin top closer to him. The light material did little to keep out the cold but it gave him a sense of safety. When the familiar dorm building came into site Chan almost sighed in relief. The heated building was a welcome comfort. With nothing else to do, Chan hesitantly climbed the stairs, prolonging his inevitable doom slightly more than the elevator would have done.

His pulse quickened when Chan caught sight of a familiar door. Taking a deep breath the frightened boy pushed it open before he could even consider turning back around. He was greeted by silence, a once-in-a-lifetime occasion for the dorm. Usually, it was always filled with shouting and laughter. It wasn't long before CHan realized why. The rest of Stray Kids had gathered around the table. Based on the still steaming food in front of them, they were meant to be eating but everything looked untouched. The entire group had turned and stared as Chan stood in the doorway, debating whether or not he should turn back around.

"Where the hell have you been?!" Felix yelled in english, jumping up from his chair but making no move towards the anxious boy.

Chan took a shaky breath. Lowering his eyes, the older tried to escape to his room before any of the hard questions ould be asked. He could feel the stares of the others burning into his skin.

"Don't walk away from me Chan", Felix growled.

In his anger, the younger had completely abandoned his korean. Choosing instead to yell at Chan in his familiar Australian english.

"We have been worried sick. Do you know how many times we called you? God Dammit Chan! You can't just walk away from us after something like that. We're a team so we have to fucking act like one. Just because you're our leader doesn't mean you can't let us help you. You can't just disappear like that. You have to let us help you." Felix yelled at the older.

Chan paused, clenching his hands, the older boy shook his head softly before silently walking towards his room. For a few precious minutes, the room was silent. Anticipation suffocated the group of boys as the anxiously waited for someone to stop their leader from running away once more.

"Hyung, please", Jeongin whispered from the table. The younger stared hopefully at Chan. If anyone could convince Chan to open up, it was Jeongin. Chan paused, glancing back at the younger boy. His wide eyes stared back, shining with hope and fear. For a moment it seemed that maybe he would finally crack. Let the boys through the walls he had built up. Finally, tell them what was going on after so many weeks of secrecy. But he kept walking.

"Oh for fuck's sake", Felix exclaimed.

The younger swiftly walked towards his leader. Harshly grabbing his wrist, Felix pulled him towards the one place where he couldn't run. His and Seungmin's room.

Slamming the door shut behind him, Felix stood in front of Chan's only escape, eyes anger and arms folded. Chan just stood there, in the middle of the room, eyes trained on the floor. He couldn't deal with the petals. Not right now. He had to do whatever he could to stop them from clawing their way up his throat again.

"Are you going to talk to me or are we going to be here all night?" Felix asked, tone cold, as he waited for Chan to say something, anything.

Felix sighed, "Look, I know we haven't been as close lately as we used to be, but that doesn't mean you can't still talk to me. I am always going to be there for you Chan. Too me, you are one of the most important people in the world. I would put everything on hold just for you. But you need to tell me what's going on. You can trust me. I love you, you're like the _brother_ I never had."

Chan froze. Time seemed to halt as he heard those words. Brother. He loved him like a brother. Chan should have been happy. Felix still cared, even though he had tried to push the younger boy away. But he just could bring himself to smile. Chan had been right. As if the petals in his lungs weren't enough proof, Felix just said he saw him as a brother.

With just a few words Chan's entire world began to fall apart. The world spun around him as the walls began closing in. He couldn't breathe. He felt the familiar ache in his chest. Something caught in the back of his throat. Tears stung his eyes as he felt the vines growing in his chest clench around his lungs.

Despite all that, Chan tried to maintain a calm facade. He plastered on a fake smile and nodded towards Felix.

"I know and I do trust you. I just need some time to figure everything out. That's all. I promise, when I'm ready to tell people, you'll be the first to know", Chan's words lodged in his throat.

The lies felt heavy on his tongue but it was getting too hard to breath. He had to get out of there.

"Okay", Felix smiled softly, "But promise me you'll tell me if something is wrong?"

"I promise", Chan choked out.

"Let's go then. I think Woojin made some food for you if you're hungry", Felix, now significantly more relaxed, swung open the door.

The rest of the group were still sitting in their chairs. The only difference was that now they had at least eaten something. As the pair walked through the door a few pairs of eyes glanced their way but for the most part, their members seemed to know that when Chan was ready to talk to them he would. Or maybe Jisung had been eavesdropping again.

"I'm good. I think I'll just go straight to bed. It's been a long day", Chan spoke.

His voice sounded slightly strained but no one seemed to notice. The pain in his lungs had gotten worse. At this point, it was like a noose was being tightened around his ribcage. The metallic taste in his mouth worried him a bit but he knew that blood wasn't too unusual.

"Okay. Well get some sleep hyung", Felix said, his sunshine smile lighting up the room.

Despite the deadly disease currently trying to suffocate him Chan couldn't help but smile back. For a moment everything could have been normal. But Chan had already learnt his lesson. Moments like that pass to quickly.

Soon enough, Chan was hunched over the toilet coughing up more delicate petals. Dark red blood coated many of the beautiful things but Chan still recognized the bright yellow petals. Daffodils.

When he could finally breathe again, Chan slumped down against the tiled floor. The cool surface was a welcome blessing against his flushed skin. Pulling out his phone he searched for the cruel message his heart was trying to tell him. The heartbroken boy sighed as he stared at the screen.

 _Daffodil:_  
_Chivalry, Unreciprocated love, Sympathy, Please love me._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Marigold and Primrose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You fucking fraud. You fucking lier. You're not in pain. Because if you were in pain you would not there is no moving on. There is no happiness. What's next? What's fucking next? Nothing is next. Nothing!"
> 
> _I can't live without you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S JISUNG'S BIRTHDAY YALL!!! And it's Felix's tomorrow and I'm like shocked. Our boys are tuning 18 like wow. It makes me feel so young. They both try so hard for us and I love all of Stray Kids so much. I'm actually just so overwhelmed right now.  
> Anyway, with my overreaction out of the way, let's get to the chapter!

  
"I love you."

"I know."

Chan replayed that moment over in his mind. It looped in his brain like a broken record. Never ending. It was like he was still there. Stuck in time. Trapped in a void of disappointment and jealousy. Wishing it was him saying the things he never could. Chan could feel the pressure in his chest as Felix uttered the words that were slowly killing him. He knew that it was supposed to just be a game, but he could still see the love in Felix's eyes. It hit him like a bullet through the heart.

He sat, staring out the car window, as they drove back from the After School Club. Trying to distract himself from the rejection trying to burst from his chest. Chan could hear the other members talking in the background. Woojin was telling Seungmin about how well he hosted the show, Hyunjin and Minho were talking about a new dance they wanted to try, and Jeongin was listening intently to whatever music was blasting through his earbuds this time.

In the midst of it all was a sickeningly sweet sight. Felix and Changbin had fallen asleep together. Changbin's head was nestled on Felix's shoulder, and the two were both snoring contently. Chan almost cooed at the sight. Despite the illness crawling through his lungs, he had to admit that the two were cute together. They were like the sun and moon. Working perfectly together in every situation. It made coughing up the fragile petals even more painful.

Coughing into his hand, Chan quickly hid the sticky orangy-gold petals, trying not to get blood on anything. A few weeks after he first coughed up daffodils, the petals changed again. It was a day Chan was unlikely to forget. He had walked into the practice room hoping to practice the dance for Awkward Silence one last time. Instead, he left with just enough time to stutter out an apology and rush to the bathroom. He could never wipe the image of Felix and Changbin making out against the steam covered mirrors from his mind.

He wasn't surprised when he coughed up different blood-soaked petals this time. Nor was he surprised at their meaning. It was so very fitting, but he couldn't help and wish it was something else. He didn't need life to remind him.

_Marigold:_

_Cruelty, Grief, Jealousy_

 

"Chan? we're here. Are you okay? You look kind of out of it", Woojin said, pulling Chan from his thoughts. Looking around the car, Chan realised how long he must have been daydreaming for. Apart from Woojin and himself, the vertical was deserted. Looking back at his hyung, Chan saw the worry in his eyes. He still hadn't explained his freak out in the practice room all those weeks ago. It was doubtful that he ever would.

"Yeah, I'm just tired", Chan lied, opening the door, "Let's head inside. We should both get some rest".

"You'd tell me if something was wrong, right?", Woojin said, worry shining in his eyes.

"Of course hyung. Now let's get going, we can't leave the children alone for too long", Chan laughed, hopping out of the car to avoid further conversation. 

* * *

 

By the time the two eldest entered the dorm, almost everybody else had disappeared into their rooms, exhausted from a tough day of schedules. As Chan closed the door, he scanned the room, only to spot a sickeningly sweet sight. Felix and Changbin were huddled together on the couch, the latter whispering sweet nothings into his boyfriend's ear. The pair made Chan smile. Even he, in his golden yellow jealousy creeping further up his lungs, it was an adorable sight.

When Felix spotted the elder in the doorway he quickly muttered something to Changbin, kissing him softly, before making his way over to Chan. Noticing his movement, the 'fearless' leader looked around frantically for a way out of this situation. He glanced to his side, going to strike up a conversation with Woojin in an attempt to seem preoccupied, only to notice that the elder had disappeared. He had probably wandered off to bed for some well-deserved rest. He was startled out of his panic but a light tap on his shoulder. With a slight jump, Chan spun around, only to come face to face with a smiling Australian.

"Hey hyung! You okay? I'm sorry if I startled you", Felix said in adorably accented Korean.

"It's okay Lix, I'm fine", Chan smiled, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly, "What's up?"

"Well, I wanted to ask if Changbin and I could have my birthday off?", Felix grinned shyly, "You see, it's also our one-year anniversary and we wanted to go somewhere together."

Trying to repress the petals tickling his throat, Chan smiled.

"Oh wow, congratulations Felix. Of course, you can have the day off. I'll talk to the manager and sort something out", Chan said, grinning at the younger.

"Thanks, hyung. You're the best", Felix said, smiling his beautiful smile. There was a look in his eyes that Chan was all too familiar with.

"You really love him, don't you?", Chan said watching as a love-struck Felix glanced back at his patiently waiting other-half.

"I do, so much." He smiled, "How did you guess?"

"That look in your eyes", Chan spoke softly, "It's like a mix of ferocious respect, friendship, and love all rolled into one. Like you would go to the end of the world for him. Even if it killed you."

"He's the love of my life", Felix said, "I would do anything for him."

Chan felt the scratching at his throat. A flowery aroma flooded his senses. But this was different. When the pain began to set in Chan barely managed to stifle his cries. It was like he was trying to cough up sewing needles that were clawing their way into his throat at any chance. Trying to keep down the waterfall of petals he knew was on its way, Chan turned to Felix.

"You two should head to bed, it's been a crazy day", Chan spoke, faking a smile as he hoped Felix wouldn't notice how scratchy his voice was.

"Okay. Thanks again hyung, it means a lot", Felix said with one last smile before walking over to his tired boyfriend.

Chan waited for the enamoured couple to leave the room before rushing to the bathroom. At this point, the tears were rushing down his cheeks like rivers. The metallic taste in his mouth was overwhelming and all he could feel was the pain. Skidding to a stop before the bathroom door, Chan heard a sound that made his blood run cold. The shower was running. His safe haven was occupied. At this point, he couldn't stop the petals. He had to find another place. Anywhere it would be easy to clean up the blood.

The kitchen.

Trying to be as silent as possible in his rushed state, Chan ran over to the only other place he could think of. Hoping desperately that it was empty.

Leaning over the steel sink, Chan finally let go. He coughed up his lungs, eyes closed tight, not wanting to witness the scene before him. He could feel the delicate petals floating past his lips, along with something sharp. It had only been a matter of time before the thorns came. Almost every case of Hanahaki suffers from them at one point. He had heard stories of the pain they induced but he never imagined it could possibly be this bad.

Coughing up the final few petals, Chan tried not to gag at the intense metallic taste infesting his mouth and that painful scratting in his throat. He gazed down at the petals littering the sink. Through the bloody mess, he could just make out light yellow petals, and even some full flowers still attached to the thorn laced stems that had torn up his throat.

"Hyung?", A voice rang out through the kitchen.

Chan spun around only to see a concerned Minho looking back. The concern decorating his face morphed into horror when he saw Chan, presumably stained with spots of his own blood. Rushing towards him, The younger examined Chan, worry creasing his features. Chan closed his eyes, so tired from the energy he had spent, before hearing Minho's shocked gasp. Eyes snapping open, Chan saw Minho staring at the bloodied petals in shock.

"I'm...I'm going to go get Woojin hyung", Minho stuttered.

"Please don't Minho", Chan rasped painfully, desperately grasping onto Minho's sleeve, trying to get the younger to stay.

"Hyung, you're dying. We need to get you help", Minho said sternly.

"Please, Minho, I can't - I don't want to lose this", Chan said voice still horse.

Minho sighed. Eyes still frowned with worry, the younger boy glanced contemplatively at the flowers sticking to the sink.

"Come on", Minho said, gently directing Chan to the door.

"Where are we going?" Chan asked, wincing at the burn in his throat.

"So where we won't be overheard" Minho squeezed Chan's arm reassuringly. 

* * *

 

"This is where I come whenever I need to think", Minho said, pushing open the door.

Chan couldn't help but drop his jaw at the view. Here they stood on the roof of their dorm as below them, the city burst with life. From through the jungle of building, Chan could make out the setting sky. Pale pinks and purples collided with pastel yellows as the shining, luminescent sphere dipped beyond the horizon.

"It's beautiful up here", Chan whispered.

Minho nodded silently. He watched as CHan admired the view. The sunlight reflected off his eyes making them sparkle with curiosity.

"Why haven't you told anyone?" He finally asked.

Chan stiffened. He knew this was going to come eventually but some nieve part of him wanted to believe that Minho wouldn't ask. Sighing, he turned back to face the younger.

"I know that the company would make me get surgery if anyone ever found out. So I kept it a secret."

"But why?" Minho asked", "Isn't getting surgery as good thing hung. You'd be alive, better, free from whatever pain this is forcing on you."

"I wouldn't love him anymore", Chan whispered, "I love him so goddamn much that I'm willing to let myself suffer if it means that the last thing I see is him. All of this pain is worth the butterflies."

"I understand. I really do," Minho started, "But you're letting your love and your pain cloud your judgement. I've felt the same type of pain before so believe me when I tell you hyung, that it gets better. If you get surgery you could be happy again. You could move on. There's nothing to lose."

Hands clenched at his sides, Chan could feel his pent-up frustration boiling over. He felt the tears welling in his eyes and his heart rate rise. It all just rang as bullshit to him. Chan tried to be calm. He was the older one, he had to be responsible. But when Minho uttered those words it all came crashing down.

"Nothing to lose? I would lose everything. I would lose the person who matters most to me in this who world. Do you know what that's like? You fucking fraud. You fucking lier. You're not in pain. Because if you were in pain you would not there is no moving on. There is no happiness. What's next? What's fucking next? Nothing is next. Nothing!" Chan yelled.

By the time he was done his body couldn't take it. Chan collapsed to his knees, coughing up blood and petals onto the concrete roof. Strong, welcoming arms wrapped around Chan as the thorns ripped up his throat. By the time he was done, Chan fell limp into Minho's arms.

"I'm sorry", Chan said, voice cracked and horse, "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay hyung. Everything is going to be okay", Minho mumbled.

After a moment of silence, Minho spoke up again.

"Do you know what type of flowers those are?", Chan shook his head.

"Those are Primrose petals", Minho replied, "they mean _I can't live without you_."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First things first, so many people commented and gave kudos wow!! You're all so supportive and it's literally the besting thing in the world. Just the fact that you're willing to put up with my lack of updates is amazing. It seriously means so much to me.  
> Also, yes, I broke the pattern a bit in this chapter but I think it was worth it. I gave me a chance to introduce a chance for Chan to get help or at least someone who can help him suffer less.  
> Thanks again for still being patient with me! I know my upload schedule is non-existent at this point but I do really love working on these stories and I hope that you all enjoy them!


	5. Pink Camellias

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was going to die. But he couldn't bring himself to care. Felix would be happy. What the younger had with Changbin was something that Chan could never take away from him. And if it meant losing his life, then so be it...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK!!!! I'M ALIVE!!!! Did you miss me? Sorry I've been gone for so long humans. First things first. Happy late Christmas and HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I have a couple of quick announcements before the chapter starts. 
> 
> 1) This story, unless my planning and wifi fail me, should be completed within this week! In the end, there should be 8 complete chapters. It's been a long road but we finally got here! 
> 
> 2) I have so many ideas I can't wait to share with you guys. I will go into more details on what I will be writing in the end note but there will be at least three new Stray Kids stories and for any My Hero Academia fans I will be publishing a story for that as well.
> 
> 3) I AM SO SORRY FOR THE LACK OF UPDATES!!!! I can not stress this enough. I feel terrible about it. I do have reasons and, if you want to read those they will be in the end note, but I just want to thank everyone who stuck around through all of this. Yall humans are great!
> 
> That all the main stuff! If you want to know more about any of this then feel free to read the end card but if not I hope yall enjoy!!! 
> 
> -7point13 <3

Sunlight fell softly across Chan, slumped at his computer. His dark brown hair shining golden in that morning light, shimmering like a crown. As the mornings pale light cut through the darkness shrouding the room, the young man stirred from his sleep. Sitting up, Chan sighed as he realized he had fallen asleep at his computer again. He had been pushing himself to the brink for months but it had finally caught up to him. Checking the time on his phone, he stumbled out of his room, still half asleep, in search of his holy grail. Coffee.

As the machine hummed quietly, Chan pulled up his schedule for the day. Lately, they had been hard at work preparing for their next album so today should be just as jam-packed as the rest. Chan frowned when he was meet with nothing. Did they have a day off? Checking the date, the tired leader let out a small sigh. September 15th. Felix's birthday and his one-year anniversary with Changbin. Now he remembered.

After talking to their manager, he had agreed to give the entire group a day off so that both Felix and Jisung could celebrate. Humming softly, Chan grabbed his freshly made coffee before slinking back to his room. Opening his computer, the brunette was meet with his unfinished project from last night. Slipping his headphones over his ears, Chan tried to drown out the thoughts plaguing his mind. 

He barely noticed the time that flew as he emersed himself in the music. The beats and the melody were steady anchors grounding him in a safe place where it all just when away. The stress, the pain, and the exhaustion. The relationship drama, pressing expectations and, the petals crowding his lungs. Chan hid from it all until a light tap on his shoulder pulled him from his retrieve. 

"Hey hyung, sorry if I bothered you", Changbin said, a small smile gracing his lips.

"It's no problem Binne. What's up?" Chan smiled back, turning to face the freckled boy.

"I just wanted to say thanks. Felix told me what you did and it means a lot", the younger said, smiling softly at his older friend.

"I also just wanted to check that you're okay with this. Me and Felix, I mean. You've been acting a bit strange since we told you, I just, I don't know, wanted to check it wasn't us," Changbin said, rubbing his neck nervously.

"No no, Binne! I promise you, I have no problem with you dating or anything. I actually think you two are really cute. I've just been really stressed you know?" Chan said, only half lying.

"Yeah, I get it, with all the preparations for the album you have every right to be stressed. I hope you feel better soon", the younger boy smiled at Chan.

"Thanks, Binne", Chan smiled.

"Just so you know Lix and I are about to head out but I just wanted to thank you first", Changbin spoke, heading for the door. "Oh, by the way, most of the others are still asleep and I don't think many of them we'll be up before noon", Changbin said in a humorous tone.

Chan laughed, "Yeah, we've all been working hard. I think we earned a break", Chan said a soft smile lighting up his features. Shaking his head lightly he turned to the younger boy. 

"Go have fun Binne. You've both earned it", Chan said, politely dismissing the younger.

"Thanks again, Channie hyung", Changbin said as he left the room.

"Keep it PG", Chan yelled after him, only half joking.

"I can keep no promises", Changbin yelled back light-heartedly.

Those words were all it took for the smile to drop from Chan's face. His heart ached in his chest and hands of regret seemed to cut off his airways. God, why couldn't that be him? Chan wished he hadn't been such a coward. If he had just taken the leap maybe he would be the one with Felix now. No. Chan couldn't think like that. Felix and Changbin were happy together. Chan wouldn't ruin that.

But what if?

If he had just taken the leap. He could hold Felix close like he always wanted. He could kiss the younger boy until his heart was content. He could map out the freckles dotting his checks and commit each one to memory. They could be happy.

By now, the cruel hands of fate had tightened their grip on his lungs. They clenched harder and harder on his lungs and the vines curled tighter like a snake around its prey. Petals filled his lungs as his thoughts continued to flow. Treacherously leading him closer to death. Throat aching for air, Chan raced for the bathroom, hoping the others were still asleep. 

Slamming the door behind him, Chan fell to his knees before the toilet, a position he had become all too familiar with, before coughing up the unmerciful signs that he love was most definitely unrequited. All Chan could do what gasp for air and watch as a steady stream of pretty pink petals, stems, and full, delicate flowers. All stained with blood. However, these pink flowers weren't like anything. An unexpected change from the primroses he'd been seeing for the past few weeks.

Once he could finally breathe again, Chan allowed himself to collapse against the bathroom wall, the cool tiles sending shivers down his spine. His throat felt like it had been ripped apart and the metallic taste of blood was harsh on Chan's taste buds. Eyes shut, Chan tried to focus on anything but the pain in his heart. He could feel the wetness of his tears on his face, the sharp coldness of the air, and the slight hum of the air conditioning. As Chan's breathing steadied, he was startled by a sharp knock on the door. 

"Hey hyung, It's just me," Minho's soft voice echoed through the room. "Can I come in?"

Not trusting his vocal cords, Chan simply knocked twice on the bathroom floor, answering the youngers question. When Minho had insisted on helping Chan after his attacks, they had devised a code in case Chan was ever unable to answer verbally. It had been more useful than they ever thought it would be. 

Slowly, the younger brunette entered the bathroom. Sucking in a sharp breath, Minho quickly over to Chan, wrapping the elder in a tight hug. Mummering soft words of comfort to the shaken leader. Handing him that bottle of water Chan didn't even notice he had been carrying, Minho sat down next to him, placing one arm around his shoulders in an act of comfort. 

Taking a gulp of water, Chan swirled it around in his mouth before spitting it into the toilet in an attempt to rid his mouth of the taste of blood. 

"What type of flowers are they?" Chan asked, wincing as he spoke.

"They're pink camellias, I think. They mean "longing for you" I'm pretty sure", Minho said a far-off look in his eyes. 

Chan nodded silently thinking.

"Minho? If you don't mind me asking, how do you know so much about Hanahaki?" Chan said, asking a question that had been plaguing him for a while.

The silence in the air was tense as Minho sat in thought as if he was still processing the question. Just as Chan began to think he had made a mistake and asked the wrong question Minho, as if waking from a trance, spoke.

"I had a really close friend a long time ago. We were basically family, where almost always together. She died of Hanahaki a few years ago. She fell in love with me and I didn't know until it was too late", Minho paused, a single tear trailing down his cheek.

"When she died she gave me her journal. The first few pages were normal stuff you'd expect. Homework, school drama, family plans. But once the attacks started she kept a log of every attack. She also had pages of research on treatments, and she had written definitions and descriptions for each flower she coughed up. I took me a while but I memorised each page. For her", Minho said, muttering the last sentence under his breath.

This time it was Chan's turn to comfort the younger. 

"It wasn't your fault, you know that? Hanahaki is just some cruel, terrible thing that's out of our control. You couldn't have done anything more than what you did. I'm sure that if she could see you now she would be so proud", He said, pulling Minho into a hug.

"I'm so scared hyung. I can't lose you too", the younger mumbled into Chan's shoulder.

"I'm not going anywhere Minne", Chan whispered.

Minho shook his head, pulling out of Chan's embrace. 

"You're coughing up full flowers now hyung. I- you don't-", Minho struggled to find the words but all of them seemed to escape him. His tongue felt like lead in his mouth as hysteria threatens to swallow him whole. He didn't want to say it. Saying it made it real. If he spoke the words ringing through his ears like blaring alarms, then they couldn't pretend any longer. 

Sensing the youngers destress, Chan stepped in.

"Minne" He began softly, "How long do I have?" 

The younger stared at the ground. This couldn't be happening again. It just couldn't... But Chan deserved the truth.

"Maybe a few weeks until..." Minho trailed off but they both knew what he meant.

A few weeks. In just a few weeks his existence would be whipped off the earth because of fates twisted games. In that cold bathroom, at exactly 7:36 am on September the 15th, as Felix and Changbin celebrated their one-year anniversary, Bang Chan had to accept his own reality. He was going to die. But he couldn't bring himself to care. Felix would be happy. What the younger had with Changbin was something that Chan could never take away from him. And if it meant losing his life, then so be it...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it???? I'm really excited about the last few chapters. I won't say too much but if all goes well, you might want to have tissues ready. Now, on to the announcement stuff.
> 
> Starting with the lack of updates. As I mentioned in my A/N I have just had my first big exams this year. Because of that and studying stuff, I couldn't really update. After that, however, I still didn't update. This isn't because I didn't want too, I really really did. But there were two big reasons why didn't. 
> 
> The first and easiest to understand is that on the computer I usually use to write on here is broken. Most of the vowel keys don't work anymore so you can imagine that typing out a story was a bit hard. 
> 
> The second reason may seem a bit dumb and I get if some of you think that way, but hear me out. In the course of a month, I almost failed my English exam and placed terribly in a writing competition that I thought I would do really well in. Because of this, I would overthink what I was writing a lot more than usual. I would go over each sentence again and again, but it never seemed good enough. Eventually, I couldn't bring myself to write for a while because I was so tired of letting myself down.
> 
> The last reason is a bit more controversial. If some of you have read my Stray Kids one-shot 'Nine or None' you might have figured out that I struggle with mental illness, specifically clinical depression and social anxiety. I won't go into a lot of detail but, in case anyone was wondering, I have been professionally diagnosed. Recently I went through a really tough time, as I mentioned in my last point, and I just could do anything really. I am doing better now and I have some amazing friends who were so supportive of me. Yall were also super helpful. You might know that I read and reply to every comment you each make on here and they're all so nice! You guys are really encouraging and that helped keep me going.
> 
> So, yeah. I hope you humans can understand why I had to take a break for a while. But I'm back now and have lots more planned. Speaking of...
> 
> NEW WORKS!!! I've got some many planned but I've been saving the really good ones down for a while because I wanted to focus on Dying Petals for now. So, as I mentioned in the beginning note, I have 3 main works planned.
> 
> The first one I want to do is Stray Kids one-shot. It's based off some poetry that I want a reason to post (＾◡＾)b
> 
> The 2nd Stray Kids story I want to do will be a chaptered story. I need to do some more planning for this but the main plot will be set around Ancient Eygpt. Chan will just have become pharaoh after his father died and the story will focus around him and the rest of Stray Kids discovering the downsides of power and trying to fight the corruption taking over the royal Egyptian court. I'm going to need to do a lot of research but I'm really excited.
> 
> The last big story I have planned is not a Stray Kids story, as I've already mentioned. It's a My Hero Achidamia story!! Like the last one, it is a chaptered story. However, I might start with this one first because I've already done a lot of the planning. I don't want to give too much away but from what I have planned it will be mainly Todoroki-centric. The basic plot is that 1A has to perform a musical and they chose Be More Chill (if you haven't heard BMC I recommend it I really liked it). I, personally am really excited for this one.
> 
> If you want to be notified about when those come out feel free to subscribe to my AO3 account but you by no means have too. You're a free human make your own decisions :) <3
> 
> I've been rambling for a while now so I'm going to wrap this up now. If you made it to the bottom of this A/N wow and thanks!!! if you want to comment on anything I talked about here or the story please keep it civilised!! The comments I've gotten so far have been super nice and I don't want that to stop now.
> 
> Until tomorrow, humans! I hope you'll enjoy the rest of this story!!! <3 <3
> 
> -7point13


	6. Red Chrysanthemum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He saw the way Felix was looking at Changbin from across the room. His dark, chocolate eyes lit up like stars. Gazing at the shorter boy, Felix had the aura of someone who had found his reason to wake up in the morning. Like an explorer who had stumbled upon the holy grail and drank from the right cup. Felix looked at Changbin like he was the universe and beyond. He looked at Changbin the way Chan looked at him.

With preparations for their next album in place, Chan barely noticed as a week and a half slipped away, time falling away like petals from his lips. Maybe it was the distraction of leading the group through this trying time, but he hadn't felt the familiar ich of the offending flora since the 15th. Chan hoped that he was moving on. Released from the clinging thorns that had grasped his heart for what felt like a millennium. However, Minho was more reluctant to wish for miracles.

He had witnessed this all before. Seen his closest friend go the route of the petals. Seen her go from perfectly fine to six feet underground. Fate could be unpredictable and it's games were even more so. Feelings could change at the flip of a coin and Minho refused to believe that after such a brush with death, Chan was completely fine. So he kept watching. Like a parent protecting their child, he carefully kept an eye on every variable. Prepared for every situation. Except for one.

It wasn't like either of them would have seen it coming. Without an incident for weeks, their attention had slipped, so when Chan felt his breathing be grasped and blocked by some invisible noose, he tried to pay it no mind. He tried to focus on the dance practice. Tried to block out the pain. This couldn't be happening. Not here. Not now. They couldn't know. He was meant to be their leader. The strong reliable older brother. But this time he couldn't block it out.

As his body moved to the beat, Chan zoned in on the music blocking out everything around him. But eventually, he had to glance in the mirror. God, why did he do that? Maybe in another world, he would have been fine. Maybe in some alternate universe hidden away from him by some bad decision or the cruelty of fate.

But he looked. He saw the way Felix was looking at Changbin from across the room. His dark, chocolate eyes lit up like stars. Gazing at the shorter boy, Felix had the aura of someone who had found his reason to wake up in the morning. Like an explorer who had stumbled upon the holy grail and drank from the right cup. Felix looked at Changbin like he was the universe and beyond. He looked at Changbin the way Chan looked at him.

As said boy watch the cause of his addiction gaze at the love of his life with all the passion and care in this universe and the next, he knew it was time to let go. This drug called love had planted poison in his lungs and let vines of fate grow until Chan was left gasping for air. Chan could feel it's grip tightening on his lungs. It's flowers blossoming in his heart. In that moment, surrounded by his friends, no, his family, Chan allowed the flowers he had been denying for weeks to ascend. He could taste the pollen on his tongue but he didn't care. Felix was happy. That was all that mattered.

He failed to notice his descent until he hit the floor. The coolness of the surface seeped through his cheek, chilling his flushed skin. He could feel his body coughing, trying to rid itself of the flora stealing his life. Chan watched helplessly as familiar red flowers feel from his lips. Red Chrysanthemum. Meaning "I love you". The colour would have perfectly hidden the blood if not for the stray trail of sticky red substance that fell from his lips, draining his life away.

* * *

It was the sound the heard first. A dull thud that echoed over the fast tempo of the music. For a moment time seemed to freeze. Like a deer caught in headlights, Minho froze as he saw Chan collapsed on the floor. All he could do was watch as his friend began to choke on the blood red petals streaming from his lungs.

For a moment is memories blurred. Suddenly it wasn't Chan lying on that ground. Ghostly, the girl simply lay there, as limp as a corpse. The blood that poured from her lips was bright against her pale skin. He could have saved her. He should have saved her. It was his fault.

Sudden shouting startled the shaken boy from his retrieve. He watched as Felix flew across the room collapsing next to their leader and Woojin followed suit. Changbin was close behind, placing a comforting house on his boyfriends back. Next to him, Jisung was frozen. His eyes wide and his face gaunt. The younger stared at the scene in shock. Huddled in the corner, Seungmin and Jeongin clung to Hyunjin for comfort as the older of the three watched grimly.

No. This time it would be different. She had died alone. Alone in a room with no one to comfort her and no one to help. It wouldn't happen again.

As if possessed, Minho moved before his brain even registered what he was doing. Kneeling next to Chan's convulsing form, Minho maneuvered the older on to his side, to prevent him from choking. He had prepared for this. Weeks of research and worrying had all been for this moment and goddamit it was going to pay off.

"Woojin hyung, I need you to call an ambulance. I'll take care of Channie hyung, don't worry about that, just get an ambulance here", Woojin nodded, rushing off to get his phone.

"God. Hyung? Channie? Please, you've got to be okay, please", Felix sobbed, clinging to Changbin like a lifeline.

"Felix, I know this is upsetting, I really do, but I need you to step outside for now."

"No! I'm not leaving him goddamit", Felix sobbed, grasping Chan's hand in a vice-like grip. As if Chan knew it was him, the number of petals increased, spilling onto the floor like water from a faucet. Changbin's face turned grim as he realised what was happening. The rapper turned to Minho as if looking for some form of confirmation. All the dancer could do was nod. Understanding, Changbin wrapped his arms around Felix.

"Come on baby. Channie hyung is in good hands but he needs his space. Let's go get some air okay?", Felix paused, looking at Chan, a worried glint in his eyes. For a moment, Minho thought he would refuse, but the younger boy simply allowed himself to be lead out.

With that dealt with, all Minho could do was wait. He stroked Chan's shoulder comfortingly as the older continued to heave and convulse. Murmuring soft encouragement in the elder's ear, Minho stayed like that until the ambulance got there. He continued to do so when he was allowed to see Chan, his figure limp and swallowed by a mountain of sheets. Because if there was one thing Bang Chan never was, through every test and every struggle. The ups and the downs. Even in those moments where he thought he would lose everything.

Bang Chan was never alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I'm adding this note after I actually posted the chapter but I was just re-reading this story and wow. How you humans have managed to decipher my spelling and grammar mistakes is amazing yall are great!!


	7. Sweetpea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan began to ponder how much time he had before the flame of his heart flickered for the final time. After blacking out in the practice room, like a drunk on New Year's Eve, and nearly choking on his own affections, Chan was surprised to awake in a hospital bed. He had been greeted with Minho's soft humming and an IV drip pumping painkillers into his veins.

Gazing up at the unresponsive ceiling for what felt like the thousandth time, Chan began to ponder how much time he had before the flame of his heart flickered for the final time. After blacking out in the practice room, like a drunk on New Year's Eve, and nearly choking on his own affections, Chan was surprised to awake in a hospital bed. He had been greeted with Minho's soft humming and an IV drip pumping painkillers into his veins. Not that it did much good.

He still felt that burning in his throat. A constant reminder that he was slowly dying. Only barely alive due to Minho's quick thinking and the missing presence of a certain freckled Australian. In fact, almost every member of Stray Kids had visited him since he was admitted except the centre of his affections.

Minho was there when he first awoke. Humming to himself at flicking through a worn notebook. Once the younger boy realised he was awake, Minho had refused to ever leave his side unless one of the other members were with him. It took two hours of begging and a reminder that the rest of the group also needed his support to get the dancer to give him any time alone.

After Minho was the protective mother-bear himself. Woojin had promptly greeted Chan with a scolding for being, in his words, " so damn stubborn" and "too independent for you're own good" before pulling the younger into a tight hug. The pair chatted for a while before Woojin had to leave to take care of the 'children' as they had playfully dubbed the younger members. The friends parted with a tight hug and a reminder that, where ever Chan was and whatever happened they would always be family.

Jeongin, Hyungin, and Seungmin were next. The trio supporting each other through everything. They came bursting into his room with bright smiles and warm hugs. The three were a welcome distraction from the sad eyes and forced smiles he had gotten from doctors through his stay. They weren't able to stay for long but it hadn't really mattered. They were there through that chaos of it all.

* * *

 

_"Of course, we are hyung", Seungmin said, when he had brought it up._

_"Yeah, we're family", Hyunjin agreed, smiling widely._

_"Exactly! Like how Woojin hyung is the groups' mother. You're the cool dad", Jeongin said with a laugh, drawing smiles from everyone in the room_.

* * *

 

The next morning, he was greeted Jisung. The chipmunk-like boy was slightly less energetic than usual, but Chan didn't mind. It was nice to see him. The pair spent almost an hour reminiscing about 3RACHA shenanigans and pre-debut moments. It was a welcome look down memory lane. Nostalgia pulling them both in as time flew by. All too soon Jisung had to leave too.

Between his members' visits, people from other groups came to see him too. Jae and Jimin came too see him, brightening up the room with their playful jokes. Members of Twice and Got7 took time out of their busy schedules to visit him. There were some teary faces and regretful faces but it was nice to see them again. Even JYP stopped by.

Bambam was there of course. There was so much the two of them had wanted to say but there weren't enough words in any language. So instead the two sat there, not speaking, as tears dripped down their faces. Somethings were better left unsaid.

It was Changbin's visit that stuck with him most.

* * *

 

_"Hey hyung", Chan looked up only to be met with the dull eyes of Changbin. He greeted the younger with a soft smile but it wasn't returned. The young rapper remained in the doorway as if rooted to the floor. Chan could practically see his brain working in overdrive as if trying to solve a complex riddle._

_"I'm not going to ask you why you didn't get surgery, that part I think I get but...", he trailed off, "Are you ever going to tell Felix?"_

_Chan froze. That was one question he wasn't ready for. He didn't even think that anyone but Minho knew. But, out of anyone, Changbin deserved an answer._

_"I don't know Binne", Chan sighed, "If I tell him I know that he's going to blame himself but he should know the truth. I just don't want him to feel like it's fault"._

_"Then whos is it?" Changbin said, meeting Chan's eyes for the first time, "because it's somebodies isn't it. Do you blame me? I mean I wouldn't blame you if you did it's partially my fault right? I know that you were probably lying when you said that you didn't hate that we're dating. It's all my-"_

_"Binne, if you say it's your fault I will rip out this IV and punch some sense into you", Chan interrupted his rambling._

_"It is though", the younger whispered, tears glittering in his eyes, unshed._

_"No, it's not Binne. This is just some cruel twist of fate. An unfortunate event. It's absolutely no one fault, least of all yours", Chan said smiling gently at the man before him._

_"I must have made you miserable, hyung. I mean I'm dating the man you're in love with", Changbin said, slowly walking over to sit by his older friend._

_"Sure, there were times when I was jealous but I never hated you", Chan said, "You make Felix so happy Binne. You should see the way he looks at you. It's like, to him, everything else in the room disappears. Lix looks at you as if you are his entire universe. The idea of you to not being together is so unfathomable it isn't even worth considering. He deserves a man that makes him that happy. He deserves you Binne. So, as his friend, I ask you, look after him? For me?"_

_The younger boy nodded, sniffling slightly, and turning his face to try and hide the small, diamond-like, tears dripping down his cheeks. Chan smiled softly, wrapping Changbin in a tight hug. The younger stiffened at the sudden contact before melting into the embrace._

* * *

 

"Hey, Channie hyung", a familiar deep voice echoed through the empty room, shocking Chan from his retrieve. Startled, the brunette lifted his head only to meet the broken gaze of the one person he didn't expect. His outfit was rumpled and his eyes were rimmed red but just his presence tightened the vines around his heart. 

"Felix? I didn't know you were coming", Chan said, forcing down the flowers raising in his throat. 

Silence filled the room like water from a broken pipe. Neither of them spoke a word but the lack of noise was louder than any explosion. Emotions weighed Chan down like a ball and chain, helping to distract him from the familiar pain in his throat. Or maybe that was drugs they had numbing his senses. All Chan could do was watch as Felix softly shut the door behind him, although he made no move to walk any closer.

"Why didn't you get the surgery hyung?", Felix asked.

"It's complicated Lix", Chan said, no longer able to look in the younger boys eyes.

"Don't give me that bullshit", Felix hissed, slipping into English, "Why didn't you get the surgery. Why don't you get it now? Damnnit Chan, you're our leader. Did you not think about what it would do to the group? To me? When the fuck did you get this selfish?"

Chan stared at his bed, he could feel the thorns crawling at his throat and the tears pooling in his eyes. Not moving. Not speaking. 

"God fucking- answer the fucking question Bang Chan. Why don't you get the fucking surgery", Felix hissed.

Chan just couldn't take it anymore. He had bottled up everything for so long. This interrogation had uncorked everything he tried so hard to hide. With flowers filling his lungs and vines tightening around his heart, he snapped, finally answered the question everyone kept asking.

"Because I can't fucking lose you", Chan yelled, also slipping into English as his emotions overwhelmed him. Silence fell over the room once more as Felix's chocolate brown orbs widened in surprise.

"Yes it's selfish and maybe a little bit crazy but fucking hell, I don't want any of this to go away. Yeah, it fucking hurts and I know that you'll never love me back but all of that shit is worth it for just a second of the love I feel for you. God, you have no idea what you do to me Lix. I'm so goddamn addicted to you, to this feeling, and I don't care if it's killing me. I know that I'm being selfish, damn it, I fucking know. And I know that this is hurting people and I hate it. But I would rather die than not be in love you with Felix."

There was nothing Chan could do as he watched crystal clear tears streak down the freckle-dusted cheeks of his beloved as said boy ran out the door. The brunette could do nothing as coughs racked his chest. He could nothing as he heard someone burst through the door. All he could focus on was the pain in his heart and the flowers in his lungs as he gasped for air like a drowning sailor. All he could see were the delicate white petals that fell from his lips. This was it. He was going to die. He was going to die alone and unloved. Sure, he knew this was coming, but it still stung that no one was there. He was completely alone.

Suddenly, he felt warm, welcoming arms wrap around his shaking body. Glancing to the side he caught a glimpse of familiar brown hair and warm cocoa eyes.

"Minne?" He choked out.

"Shh, It's me hyung. I'm here. You're not alone", Minho murmured comfortingly. "I'm not going anywhere hyung. I know it hurts but it's going to be okay. You're going to a better place soon. And when you get there you have to promise to wait for the others and I yeah? Because we're family hyung, and we'll always love each other because family stick together", the young dancer spoke, his voice shaking slightly.

"Minne...hurts so bad...", Chan managed to choke out. He wasn't lying either. His gag reflex was going into overdrive as thorny vines ripped apart his airways and petals flooded his lungs. Everything hurt. His head was spinning from oxygen deprivation. It was getting harder to breathe. Slowly, as his brain began to shut down, the pain dissipated. Now numb to the pain, Chan managed to choke out his last words. 

"Minnie... shouldn't have pushed you all away... love members... so much... I'm gonna... watch over you all... I'll wait for you..."

As Chan's contrastive began to fade he thought he heard Minho softly singing 'Grow Up' to him but he couldn't be sure. As Stray Kids fearless leader took his final breath there was one thing he was sure of. No matter what was after death. Heaven, Hell, or absolutely nothing, he would wait for his members. Every last one of them. Because they were family and family means no one gets left behind.

* * *

_You’re doing fine oh_

 

_You’re doing fine yeah_

 

_Have strength, just endure a little more_

 

_I’ll be next to you_

 

_You’re doing fine oh_

 

_You’re doing fine_

 

_You gotta take your time, you can do it_

 

_You can do just fine_

* * *

 

True to his word, Minho stayed there, by Chan's side, sing softly. He stayed, even as his friend fell limp in his arms. As the heart monitor flatlined. As tears blurred his vision and his breath caught in his throat. He stayed, only leaving when ushered out by frantic hospital staff. And even as he sat in the waiting room, still and statuesque, tears streaming freely from his eyes, he couldn't help but smile sadly. Because Chan knew, in those final moments, he knew that he wasn't alone. That he had people he could rely on. They were Stray Kids. Nine or none. They wouldn't leave anyone behind.

"Sir? Sir?", Minho was shaken by his train of thought as someone shook his shoulder. Looking up his eyes meet the eyes of a nurse, her eyes filled to the brim with pity.

"Sorry, I was lost in thought. Can I help you?", Minho asked, smiling politely.

"You're Mr Lee Minho, correct? You're here for Mr Bang Chan?"

I, um, yes. That's correct", Minho replied stumbling as he attempted to collect his thoughts once more.

"I'm sorry to inform you but... he didn't make it. I'm sorry for your loss", she said, her tone formal but her eyes sad. Minho just nodded, gaze travelling to his hands as he nervously played with his fingers. "I'll give you some time to process, feel free to leave whenever you want", the nurse said, turning away with an apologetic smile.

"Wait. Sorry but, um, you wouldn't happen to know what flowers they were, would you? The ones that... killed him?", Minho trailed off. The nurse nodded, a sad smile still painted on her lips.

"They were sweetpea flowers, according to our specialist, they mean goodbye, departure, and thank you for a lovely time" She informed the greaving boy, before leaving and giving him some privacy. 

It was fitting really, Hanahaki almost always tells a story. The delicate petals often carry intricate meaning. Complex messages from the heart that one must decipher. What better way to end that story than with a goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe so... That happened. I'm sorry please don't hate me too much. ALSO! THOUGH IT MAY SEEM LIKE THE END THERE IS STILL ONE MORE CHAPTERS LEFT TO GO. Maybe hold on to your tissues... I have some... things... planned *insert evil smirk here*
> 
> In all seriousness, we're getting close to the end and I can't wait to see what you all think.
> 
> Feel free to spam the comments with yelling. I understand your pain so please rant at me :) see you guys in the next chapter!!!


	8. Epiologe: Pink Carnations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He loved all of us, maybe some differently than others, but he did. If you're looking for the word that means caring for someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want, no matter how much it destroys you, it's love. And when you love someone, you don't stop. Ever. Even when the world rolls its eyes, or calls you crazy, even then. Especially then. You don't give up. Because if you could give up, if you could just take the worlds advice and move on and forget him, then that wouldn't be love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sad. I broke my streak by not posting yesterday (T-T) BUT IT'S HERE NOW!!!

_Breaking News: Kpop Stray Bang Chan Dies of Hanahaki Dieses._

_Bang Chan, the leader of K-pop group Stray Kids, passed away due to the increasingly common Hanahaki disease only a few days ago, the date has still not been confirmed by JYP. The Korean Australian had recently debuted with his group, Stray Kids, after participating in a TV show hosted by JYP. The group had been preparing to release its third album, I am YOU, in only a few months when Chan collapsed in the middle of their dance practice. His funeral will be held in only a few days time._

_Due to this tragic event, many idols have come forward about their own experiences with the terrible illness. Many idols, including EXO's Baekhyun, and Got7's Bambam (a close friend of the deceased), have admitted to having the surgery for the disease forced on them by their management. Such occurrences have sparked a fierce debate about idols rights in this situation._

_As of now, much remains uncertain. Many agencies have not yet made an official statement on how the plan to help idols or trainees who contract the disease. JYP has yet to make an official statement on how they handle the situation and any previous cases of the disease. There has also yet to be a statement made on whether or not the group will be continuing. At this point, the fate of Stray Kids is still uncertain._

* * *

Sighing softly, Minho adjusted his tie in the mirror of a bathroom that he had become all too familiar with. The blinding white tiles and chilled air were like a second home to him. Too many nights were spent here with Chan as he coughed up bloodsoaked flora. And those were just the ones he knew of. How many nights had Chan spent here alone?

Shaking his head, Minho tried to distract himself from that down-spiral. This day was already hard enough without thinking about what might have happened. The past was in the past and "what if's" weren't going to bring Chan back. Straightening his suit jacket once more, Minho took a deep breath before walking out to face the others.

Walking into their living room, Minho was greeted with a field of grim faces. No one quite knew what to say. It just felt like something was missing. Scattered across the room, everyone sat somberly, almost as if they were afraid to move. Hyunjin and Seungmin were huddled together on the couch, the younger absentmindedly playing with Hyunjin's fingers. Woojin was next to the pair, Jeongin's head resting in his lap. Woojin stroking his hair comfortingly as the younger stared at nothing, eyes rimmed with red from all the nights spent crying. Leaning against the wall pensively, Jisung looked up as Minho walked through the door, offering the elder a sad smile.

The saddest sight was the group's resident couple. The pair was standing in the kitchen doorway, Changbin's arm wrapped protectively around Felix's waist. Out of all of them, Felix might have been the worst off. The young Australian boy hadn't said a word since Minho saw him rushing out of Chan's hospital room, eyes filled with tears. After finding Chan, only seconds later, cough up delicate white flowers Minho could only assume what happened between the pair the day.

Glancing at the time clock on his phone, Minho sighed. They couldn't put this off any longer. It was time. 

* * *

Cool air blew his hair into his eyes and Minho leaned against the side of a bridge. The fridged breeze was a welcome change to the stuffy atmosphere of the funeral. The ceremony had been beautiful, in a sombre sort of way. It was a small gathering. Chan's family had flown up from Australia, wanting to bury him in the country that had become his home. The group were there, of course, supporting Chan even after he passed. Countless friends from when Chan was a trainee, including Twice and Got7. Almost everyone shed tears at the memories retold as the ceremony went on. Minho didn't cry. He had shed his tears, now he would support those who hadn't shed theirs.

The building was beautiful. The stone tiled floors and wood walls decorated with beautiful pink flowers that Minho couldn't remember the name of. Out the back of the building was a small garden. It wasn't grand or extravagant but it was magnificent in its own way.

The small patch of land was covered in the vibrant colours of hundreds of different flora and fauna. The colours shone brightly on the misleadingly fine day. At the centre of the garden was a small spring, the water a smooth pastel blue colour. Incircled by rows of towering willow trees, their pale leaves swaying in the breeze like waving hands, the only way to access the small garden was crossing an ancient looking bridge, that extended its reach over a small creek, which was where he stood now.

"It's beautiful out here, isn't it?", a sweet voice rang out from beside him. Turning, he meets a startling familiar pair of kind brown eyes. It took him a moment to process who he was talking too, but he recognised her from the photos.

"Sorry, if I startled you", she spoked, anxiously rubbing the back of her neck, "I just... needed to get out of there, you know?"

"Yeah, I get what you mean", Minho smiled kindly as the nervous girl.

"I, um, I'm Hanna", she said, walking over to his side.

"Yeah, you're Chan's sister right?" Minho said, looking back out towards the creek.

"That's me", she spoke softly, joining him. "Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you."

"Really?", he replied, shock evident in his voice.

"Yeah. I just wanted to thank you, in person. They told me you were there when he..." she trailed off. She almost didn't want to say it. As if speaking the words would make it even more real than it already was.

"Yeah... I was there", Minho muttered.

"I just, I don't know, I want to say thanks. I was so afraid, when we heard about what happened, that he was going to die before we got there. I was scared that he would be alone. Alone and in pain, dying from a love that, he knew, would never be returned. I'm just glad that you were there, with him. You know?"

Minho nodded, he understood completely. He just didn't have the words.

Silence swallowed them after that. Not an awkward silence but the type of comfortable lack of noise that isn't an uncomfortable moment but more a space that doesn't need to be filled. They had nothing to say, so they chose to say nothing, rather than fill the absence of sound with pointless formalities.

"Did you like the flowers?" Hanna suddenly spoke.

Yeah, they're beautiful", Minho said nodding.

"Yeah, I was the one that picked them", Hanna said, a soft smile on her lips, "They're pink carnations. They mean "I'll never forget you", I thought they were fitting, given the circumstances."

* * *

 

"So? What happens now?", Jisung spoke up, leaning beside the now-closed dorm door. 

"Ji, we just got back. Now's really not the time to be talking about this", Woojin said, eyes tired as he turned to face the younger.

"Then when is the time? We have to talk about this eventually. Personally, I'd rather do this alone with you guys than with management guiding our decision", Jisung growled.

"What exactly do you want to talk about Jisung?" Woojin said, patience wearing thin.

"Maybe whether or not we can keep going with our leader dead and buried?" Jisung yelled. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Seungmin flinch at the word dead. As if there was a more delicate way to put it. "Look, I'm sorry", Jisung sighed. "It's just... This was his dream. He made us. I just don't know if I can keep going knowing that he was in so much pain and I just did... nothing. I feel like it's my fault"

"We understand Jisung, we really do but of course we keep going. We keep going because that's what Chan would have wanted", Hyunjin spoke up. Though his words were strong, uncertainty was clear in his eyes.

"No", Changbin spoke, "Chan would have wanted us to be happy."

"How do you know that hyung? I mean, Jisung hyung has a point. We knew something was wrong and none of us did anything", Jeongin asked softly.

"It's not you're fault Innie", Felix spoke, voice quivering, "It's mine. I couldn't fucking love him back. I didn't even fucking know. What kind of a friend am I? Fuck, I just-", the freckled boy cut off his own sentence with a heart filled sob. The others could only watch on in shock as the young boy broke down.

"Fe, it's not your fault", Changbin whisper, wrapping his arms around his shaking partner.

"Binne, you don't get it. He loved me and I just- I just let him die. It's all my fault", Felix sob, shrinking away from his boyfriend's touch. Minho watched as Changbin took a deep breath. Slowly he saw the other boy lower his defences, letting the others see how he really felt.

"The day he... The day Chan die, I went to see him", Changbin began. "I had figured it out, that he was in love with you, and I was so sure that he would hate me. That it was my fault. When I asked him he told me that the disease wasjust some cruel twist of fate. An unfortunate event. That it was absolutely no one fault. Do you know why he never told you Lix? Or any of us? Because he knew that we were happy. That's all he ever wanted, our happiness. So if disbanding is what we need to be happy then that's what he would have wanted", Minho watched as the rapper spoke, sadness and confidence filling his eyes, as he spoke the truth no one else was willing to say.

"Changbin hyung had a point. I don't think that we're the same without him. I love performing, and we're a family, but it's just not the same", Seungmin trailed off.

"We're not Stray Kids without him", Hyunjin spoke, eyes damp, "Not really."

"I think, no, I know that I speak for all of us when I say that I love Chan. He will always be family. I was-" Minho paused, taken a deep breath as tears pooled in his eyes. "I was there when he died. He told me that he regretted pushing us away. And that he loved us. He wasn't lying either. He loved all of us, maybe some differently than others, but he did. If you're looking for the word that means caring for someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want, no matter how much it destroys you, it's love. And when you love someone, you don't stop. Ever. Even when the world rolls its eyes, or calls you crazy, even then. Especially then. You don't give up. Because if you could give up, if you could just take the worlds advice and move on and forget him, then that wouldn't be love. We shouldn't stop loving Chan. I know that I'll never be able to forget him. But loving him and doing something because we think that's what he would have wanted are very different things", Minho spoke allowing the tears to trail down his cheeks as he closed his eyes.

"You're right", Woojin said, sighing, "It's always been nine or none right? I just... don't know if I can do this without him."

"So then what do we do now?"

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it. Just a warning, updates might be a bit slow but I hope it's okay for now. Anyway, I promise to write more (maybe longer) chapters soon!! <3


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